hahahahaha

Sometimes i have to come here to laugh cause if i did it on facebook i'd hurt too many feelings.

i've got a perfect body, just sometimes i forget

Regina Spektor Folding Chair

Simple Beautiful Faith

Ella: Blythe...Do you believe God?

Blythe: Yeah.

Ella: Good. Cause he LOVES you.

Blythe: Yeah...even when you make bad choices.

Happy Birthday Ella Blue! I just cannot believe you're...four?

But who don't love a two hour princess swimming party in the pouring rain? More pics to come as i recover (thanks brenda for these!) (ps good thing the after party was at Kell's tonight! Thanks Holly for being born!)

Clydehurst is awesomer than a thing that is real real awesome.

You can find the rest of my infomercial on my facebook.

Another day in the life.

At Target:

Me: "ooh Sierra, you could buy a uniform for school..."

Ella: gasp! "MOMMA, I WANT A UNICORN FOR SCHOOL!!!"

oh and also

The ONLY child who immediately obeyed and started packing when i asked was...you guessed it! The almost four year old. Who chose every single item and placed each on this table for easy packing purposes completely and entirely on her own. (note the amazing folding job and the interesting selection of items- ps we will be gone 10 days)
For the record she was exceptionally excited to show me the "line" she had made for our trip to Hannah Montana in the morning.

i am going to be riding horses real real soon and you are not.

Sweet Ride

So we just figured out that the Wii can plug into our new DVD system in my new car, which is just going to create all sorts of fun on road trips.

(now where to stash the drums?)

The thing is, you'd just really think they'd be used to it by now

My children are really...uh...special.

So fine. If today is a gift then how do i take it back?

This world is so messed up. And i'm so overwhelmed by the death, destruction, disease and depravity of it (and why are they all d's? that really bugs me).
Where is God in all of this? Why does he stay silent? Why doesn't he intervene?
I still believe that he can.

My dear friend Holly lost her husband two days ago in a plane crash. Ironically he was flying to HIS uncle's funeral. Now Holly gets to raise four children on her own, without their father, and her best friend.

And one of the most frustrating parts for me is that they were really really happy. Holly's childhood was not a pleasant one, and she had fought through and overcome the sin and unhealthiness of her family heritage to become an amazing mother and wife, probably one of the very best i know (i have for years been looking to her as a mother that i would desire to be). Her husband obviously adored her, as did she him. I can't remember EVER hearing one negative word about him cross her lips. Ever.
And her children are a delight. Holly had an incredible ministry in a local church and beyond, and all made possible by her loving and supportive husband. (She is who i want to be when i grow up) They loved God and people with their lives. I have been blessed, loved, exhorted and encouraged by Holly in a mighty way this past year.

So then what God? Really? You couldn't have saved the mechanical failure til they were safely on the ground? Or just bypassed it altogether? Or helped them land safely? Were Scott's guardian angels on break? What?

I know "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose". I have no doubt that God will take care of Holly and their kids. Fine. But i want Scott back for his family. I want the world to see this beautiful marriage that gracefully depicted Christ and the church. I want Holly to have a season of (hard-earned) peace and prosperity in her life. I want those children, especially the boys, to have a father to laugh with, play with, talk about life with, grow up with. This is so senseless.

Strangely enough, Holly seemed to kind of have an awareness that it could disappear in an instant. On several occasions she said to me concerning her current state of comfort and prosperity, "Oh it's just a facade. It could all be gone tomorrow".
Why did she have to be right?

Job has really been on my mind. Even before this. I feel like so much has been stripped from me (though unfortunately i had a hand in a lot of it) and i've pleaded with God to let it be enough, (I"m humble now God. Promise!") that i couldn't imagine surviving the loss of loved ones on top of everything else. (I've hesitated to let that thought be documented- it feels too much like a dare)

But now with Holly, the comparison seems even more fitting. A woman who loved God with her everything, and seemingly had it all, only to have what mattered most to this life stripped from her, AND her children. Are we still playing that game God? (I know my opinion is worthless here God, but i think Holly's character was just great without this kind of action)I know Job ended up with MORE than he ever had in the first place- but did he really care about that? (Oh, i don't mind losing all my children. I just got more!)

Again. I am tired. And grieved. And hope that by crying out on behalf of my friend i haven't now turned the wrath of God against me.

COUSINS!

I sure do wish we lived closer...

Ella Lisa - pour ash-a-bee

So we're eating lunch at OMSI today and she walks over to a table of old ladies, sits down, announces she has a runny nose and asks how many of them are married.

I suggested that maybe she should start saying "may i join you?" before crashing random lunch dates...
(this is not an isolated occurrence you see)

Overheard at Bingo Night

Ella: Excuse me, you are awesome.

Super Cool Looking Rock Star Mom: Thank you. You are awesome too.

Ella: No. Just you.

Ella: Who does your hair?

Please vote for the most authentic priceless replica!

Ella and i just did a FABULOUS spontaneous song and dance number to Easy Street complete with tambourines and maracas and it just really made my week.

Lent Meditation

"We are not masters of our own feeling, but we are by God's grace masters of our consent." St Francis de Sales

I don't rememer life being this heavy...

"Yeah, life is hard. Go hug your kids." Grandpa Bill

Read Sex God.

I'm serious. Like right now.
And get your own copy too. Cause you're gonna wanna underline.
(don't worry em. i didn't. even though i really really wanted to)

seems to be the general consensus around here. ACTUALLY

Ella: Mom, LOOK!

Me: Oh yeah. It looks like a bruise.(said VERY sympathetically)

Ella: Yeah. I need a bandaid.

Me: Nope.

Ella: Yes, i do.

Me: Nope. Bandaids are for if there is blood or the skin is open.

Ella: I NEED a bandaid.

Me: You are welcome to ask Aunt Becca for a second opinion.

Ella: Huh?

Me: You are welcome to ask Aunt Becca for a second opinion.

Ella: Huh?

Me: A SE-COND O-PIN-ION (enunciating VERY carefully)

Ella: AUNT BECCA!!

Aunt Becca: Yes?

Ella: I need a pinion. But NOT my Mom's.

Ella: I need a bandaid.

If you think of me...

I'm going to attempt singing while playing for the first time, in front of how ever many hundreds of people show up for the memorial, tomorrow afternoon. (nothing like jumping in with both feet's what i always say. Hey, i never claimed to be extremely bright)

Anywho. I could use whatever prayers/nice thoughts etc... you have free to send me.

Thanks-

(When the Tears Fall by Tim Hughes if you are curious. I didn't feel like i needed to sing at any of the other services, but this time i feel like i would like to do something to encourage and comfort my family- see the words below)

I’ve had questions without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
But there’s one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus, You’re true

When hope is lost, I’ll call You Savior
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you Healer
When silence falls,
You’ll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender forever more

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord, are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend

Still I will praise You, Jesus, praise You

so it's GENETIC

So my mom was involved in a lock down at her chiropractor for over five hours the other day due to a hostage situation in a room at an adjacent hotel. They could see the police activity from the front window and thus were able to track the breaking news events of the day.

I'm not sure exactly what went down, or how the situation was resolved (those of you with time to keep up with local news, who am i joking?- ANY news at all, may know more than i do here) but i DO know what maybe some of you without the inside scoop may not. The kidnappers' demands included donuts and pizza. No joke.

First of all, those items are MOST DEFINITELY making my top ten demands in case i ever decide to go into kidnapping and ransom et al(along with ice cream and probably some form of chocolate. oh and surely a latte...) and B. the most ridiculous things in the world happen to me and my family (ps i just had one of the most frustrating days ever that i'm not going to go into because i am not going to give my super compassionate husband the opportunity to laugh his head off anymore at my expense- it is just too hard to put back on).



AND a little kid asked me today if my name was ARTHUR. So. Case in point.

Seriously?

I am such a disgusting enabler that i can barely stand myself.

come ON dawn. anytime now.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Jesus of Nazareth
Matthew 11: 28-30


As i write this, my dad is patching the two bullet holes his younger brother left in the ceiling late Saturday night. No one should EVER have to do that.

This is the fourth loss my family has experienced in about a year, and it seems just really almost too much. I was there when my Dad got the call from my aunt. My uncle, who was a minister, didn't show up for church on Sunday. Concerned, the members called my Dad's twin brother, who then sent my cousins to check on him and they discovered the body.

So now my family is there, in the empty house, trying to decide what to do first. And how to be helpful and stay busy. And where to go from here.

The thing is, this alone would be enough (And i don't mean like, "poor me", but the burden of grief for my father and aunt et al is great. No one should have to deal with this much loss in such a short amount of time). But the staggering and almost overwhelming fact is that this is ONE of the four or so crises that i am attempting to deal with at the moment. And the news of my uncle's death came right on the heels of one of the shittiest 24hour periods i have endured in a LONG time.

So i AM tired. And weary. And burdened. And NEED rest.

And i'm still waiting. This does NOT feel "easy". In fact at times it feels barely doable. And i take it one day at a time (sometimes one HOUR at a time). I KNOW he will give me the strength for that. He has thus far. But WHAT about this road that he is asking me to walk and the burdens he is asking me to carry is "light"?

I'm trying to listen (could it be i need to shut the hell up first?) And learn. And grow. I want to become whatever, whoever i need to need to be so i can be done with this season. But, frankly, i feel like enough is enough. Please. Let it be enough.

This time last year i made the most intentional and disciplened effort of my life to move towards God. And it saved me, from myself. And so maybe that needs to be a yearly thing. What is this "yoke" that Jesus wants to give me? And how do i take it and take it WELL? Lord knows i need "rest for my soul" (rest- now there's something i haven't experienced a whole lot of in quite some time!).

I need to once again, prioritize. Make time for what is MOST important; bible study, guitar, reflecting, reading, writing, my family. And let the rest fall where it may.

And be thankful.

And work on contentment (boy, is this ever a hard one for me).

If i choose to, i can see God's hand upon our lives. The comfort in knowing my uncle is at rest, in the arms of a Savior even his own depression and lonliness and lack of trust could not keep him from. His provision for the big AND little things. Justin's new employment; he started the new job just today. The gift cards for groceries in the days without a paycheck. The generosity of his grandparents. The car they are selling us that is so much better than anything we could have afforded on our own. The tax refund. A Suburban that now runs well. The new washer/dryer that showed up today (i hear they ordered the one that DOESN"T burn and tear holes in your clothes!). New friends. The love and prayers and support of old ones. The joy and laughter my children bring me every single day. The encouragement and life i find in art, beauty, music.

So.

I need faith (a mustard seed i hear). And wisdom. And strength. (man alive this post contains lists galore!) And more and more and more stubborn determination (THIS i seem to be mostly ok on). And i'm praying about what to give up for lent. I'm thinking maybe alcohol. It has recently lost a bit of its allure for me anyhow, so i'm not sure that will be as much of a sacrifice. We'll see.

I was listening to Paul of NYC today and this chorus seized my heart:

Be at rest
Oh my soul
Even when a sparrow falls
The Father knows

Be at rest
Oh my soul
His love for you is greater
Than creation knows

Oh God, help me to rest in that love.

Yeah... Broadway's got nothing on this.

But wait! There's more...

We obviously only expose our children to the very finest that culture has to offer.

i heart art lit!

Art inspired by the artist formerly known as Katsushika Hokusai

"Be Fine in 09" (i finally settled on a mantra- i was toying with "Live Well" for a while, but first things first and i DO so like rhyming...)

So FIRST of all, this is my desktop pic right now, so i think about and pray for and miss our friends an awful lot (especially for the kiddos).

Second of all, i went to a middle school open house the other night. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

ahem.

Third of all, i miss talking to Allison.

Fourth...i just wonder if this year will be different. If we will resurface from the haze we have been treading through and redefine our lives. And if we are (i am) ready for that. I mean, ready enough to really do something about it. I feel i am stuck somewhere in this dichotomy of eternal perspective, where we have all the time in the world to figure this life, love, relationship stuff out, and life slipping straight through my fingers.(My babies are growing up right before my eyes, my youth... well i am trying to accept that it has pretty much moved on, and now i am SUPPOSED to be wise-ish. And mature. And that all truly can be terrifying...)
And then there's the what next. So my kids grow up and leave and what then? And what between now and then to set me best up for then (though phew that i at least tested in the 17th grade- can i have a note linds? I'm going to site it on my resume). And why can i STILL not play guitar?(i mean worth a crap of course- so don't argue the point with me) And why haven't i written a single damn thing in an entire year?
And then there's friendships...Am i supposed to be learning to look for that in God alone? Or do i need to change myself and be a better friend and not such a piece of work? OR WHAT?!
Oh how i just really want to live INTENTIONALLY! Somehow that seems so much harder to accomplish than it seems it should. (and why am i so MELODRAMATIC?)

...speaking of.
That should probably be all for now.

happy 2009.

We have begun our new year with a few losses and i've been wondering if maybe we have just been looking at things all wrong.
WHAT IF we simply placed justin's job under his pillow tonight as he is going to sleep. Surely the job fairy is not TOO busy to make a stop at our humble abode and take away the small, old dead job that he has OBVIOUSLY outgrown and leave cold hard cash in it's sorry place. (And of course looking forward to the assured surface of a bigger, better, much more fitting job in the weeks to come!)

Like i said. Just a thought.