Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Jesus of Nazareth
Matthew 11: 28-30
As i write this, my dad is patching the two bullet holes his younger brother left in the ceiling late Saturday night. No one should EVER have to do that.
This is the fourth loss my family has experienced in about a year, and it seems just really almost too much. I was there when my Dad got the call from my aunt. My uncle, who was a minister, didn't show up for church on Sunday. Concerned, the members called my Dad's twin brother, who then sent my cousins to check on him and they discovered the body.
So now my family is there, in the empty house, trying to decide what to do first. And how to be helpful and stay busy. And where to go from here.
The thing is, this alone would be enough (And i don't mean like, "poor me", but the burden of grief for my father and aunt et al is great. No one should have to deal with this much loss in such a short amount of time). But the staggering and almost overwhelming fact is that this is ONE of the four or so crises that i am attempting to deal with at the moment. And the news of my uncle's death came right on the heels of one of the shittiest 24hour periods i have endured in a LONG time.
So i AM tired. And weary. And burdened. And NEED rest.
And i'm still waiting. This does NOT feel "easy". In fact at times it feels barely doable. And i take it one day at a time (sometimes one HOUR at a time). I KNOW he will give me the strength for that. He has thus far. But WHAT about this road that he is asking me to walk and the burdens he is asking me to carry is "light"?
I'm trying to listen (could it be i need to shut the hell up first?) And learn. And grow. I want to become whatever, whoever i need to need to be so i can be done with this season. But, frankly, i feel like enough is enough. Please. Let it be enough.
This time last year i made the most intentional and disciplened effort of my life to move towards God. And it saved me, from myself. And so maybe that needs to be a yearly thing. What is this "yoke" that Jesus wants to give me? And how do i take it and take it WELL? Lord knows i need "rest for my soul" (rest- now there's something i haven't experienced a whole lot of in quite some time!).
I need to once again, prioritize. Make time for what is MOST important; bible study, guitar, reflecting, reading, writing, my family. And let the rest fall where it may.
And be thankful.
And work on contentment (boy, is this ever a hard one for me).
If i choose to, i can see God's hand upon our lives. The comfort in knowing my uncle is at rest, in the arms of a Savior even his own depression and lonliness and lack of trust could not keep him from. His provision for the big AND little things. Justin's new employment; he started the new job just today. The gift cards for groceries in the days without a paycheck. The generosity of his grandparents. The car they are selling us that is so much better than anything we could have afforded on our own. The tax refund. A Suburban that now runs well. The new washer/dryer that showed up today (i hear they ordered the one that DOESN"T burn and tear holes in your clothes!). New friends. The love and prayers and support of old ones. The joy and laughter my children bring me every single day. The encouragement and life i find in art, beauty, music.
So.
I need faith (a mustard seed i hear). And wisdom. And strength. (man alive this post contains lists galore!) And more and more and more stubborn determination (THIS i seem to be mostly ok on). And i'm praying about what to give up for lent. I'm thinking maybe alcohol. It has recently lost a bit of its allure for me anyhow, so i'm not sure that will be as much of a sacrifice. We'll see.
I was listening to Paul of NYC today and this chorus seized my heart:
Be at rest
Oh my soul
Even when a sparrow falls
The Father knows
Be at rest
Oh my soul
His love for you is greater
Than creation knows
Oh God, help me to rest in that love.
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7 comments:
I'll just pray Rach. ...For so many things, especially that you will be able to just sink into Him and let Him hold you while you rest.
I'll continue to pray, I wish there was more I could do. If anything comes to mind, let us know!
Glad we could talk today. I will keep you in my prayers my friend. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for your family.
Rach, I am so glad to stumble on your blog today so I can pray for you. We have so much in common - all of what you wrote! ~ "I need to once again, prioritize. Make time for what is MOST important; bible study, guitar, reflecting, reading, writing, my family. And let the rest fall where it may. And be thankful. And work on contentment (boy, is this ever a hard one for me".
And if I read your post right, and if your family is dealing with your uncle's suicide, then I can relate to that too, as my dad lost his mom to suicide by shooting after years with depression & loneliness.
There was a long period in Rick's & my marriage when we were asking God, "where is this "abundant life" you talk about?" I remember us asking it many times. And not that we have our stuff together now, but we are truly living an abundant, blessed life...at this moment! Our issues like unfaithfulness, huge financial stress, crap w/the law, unemployment...even my Gramma Grace's death - they are shadows so distant now, that I often just bask in His faithfulness; like the feeling when when you're in deep, beautiful water & you push off the edge with your feet & you seem to float with outstretched arms for a while, weightless & careless.
I think you're right - setting & sticking to those priorities is huge. I've had to ask myself,"is Christ (not nec. #1, but) the CENTER of my life...my days...my music, my entertainment, my family?" (and re-adjust often!). Cause when I push Him aside, the weight of sin and of this fallen world can be so heavy, it's unbearable. I was just thinking about a song my God-father sang at my Gramma's memorial svc. The Chorus went, "If He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders, I know, my sister that He will carry you". I will never forget that song & how it ministered to me.
My heart aches for you...but KNOW that Christ is faithful to deliver what He promises. Until He does, write, write, write your thoughts and prayers so that one day you can point out to your lil ones JUST how He did it. I love you.
I'm always online because of the work I do. This means that I have to sift through all the mindless and annoying emails, posts, tweets and status(s?) that people spew on a daily basis. I canceled my Facebook because I can't take it anymore. I've even asked Chelan not to forward or mention anything to me that doesn't have some kind of value and something that actually furthers the Kingdom. So this means I don't hear much from her on those things. But then out of the blue comes your perfect post. I love you for being open and honest and not hiding behind the "look at how perfect and religous I am" mask like so many people seem to do. People don't blog like this and it's sad. So Thank you! I believe when people are going through storms and share their weather report, perspective is gained and we begin to remember how important it is to pray for others and not just our own little, self-absorbed world. I'll pray that you (& your family) weather all this and come out like Job in the end. Thanks again! - ricky
Well...you may be giving me too much credit. I tend to be an annoying status updater as well (but you will NOT catch me encouraging any ridiculous forwards- anywho..)
AND
i believe that maybe people around here may have had about enough of my refreshing open and honest demeanor. Just a guess...
But thanks. I'm glad you were encouraged.(? not sure that was the word to use- but you know what i mean)
Love you rach!
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