Sunday, May 24, 2009

So fine. If today is a gift then how do i take it back?

This world is so messed up. And i'm so overwhelmed by the death, destruction, disease and depravity of it (and why are they all d's? that really bugs me).
Where is God in all of this? Why does he stay silent? Why doesn't he intervene?
I still believe that he can.

My dear friend Holly lost her husband two days ago in a plane crash. Ironically he was flying to HIS uncle's funeral. Now Holly gets to raise four children on her own, without their father, and her best friend.

And one of the most frustrating parts for me is that they were really really happy. Holly's childhood was not a pleasant one, and she had fought through and overcome the sin and unhealthiness of her family heritage to become an amazing mother and wife, probably one of the very best i know (i have for years been looking to her as a mother that i would desire to be). Her husband obviously adored her, as did she him. I can't remember EVER hearing one negative word about him cross her lips. Ever.
And her children are a delight. Holly had an incredible ministry in a local church and beyond, and all made possible by her loving and supportive husband. (She is who i want to be when i grow up) They loved God and people with their lives. I have been blessed, loved, exhorted and encouraged by Holly in a mighty way this past year.

So then what God? Really? You couldn't have saved the mechanical failure til they were safely on the ground? Or just bypassed it altogether? Or helped them land safely? Were Scott's guardian angels on break? What?

I know "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose". I have no doubt that God will take care of Holly and their kids. Fine. But i want Scott back for his family. I want the world to see this beautiful marriage that gracefully depicted Christ and the church. I want Holly to have a season of (hard-earned) peace and prosperity in her life. I want those children, especially the boys, to have a father to laugh with, play with, talk about life with, grow up with. This is so senseless.

Strangely enough, Holly seemed to kind of have an awareness that it could disappear in an instant. On several occasions she said to me concerning her current state of comfort and prosperity, "Oh it's just a facade. It could all be gone tomorrow".
Why did she have to be right?

Job has really been on my mind. Even before this. I feel like so much has been stripped from me (though unfortunately i had a hand in a lot of it) and i've pleaded with God to let it be enough, (I"m humble now God. Promise!") that i couldn't imagine surviving the loss of loved ones on top of everything else. (I've hesitated to let that thought be documented- it feels too much like a dare)

But now with Holly, the comparison seems even more fitting. A woman who loved God with her everything, and seemingly had it all, only to have what mattered most to this life stripped from her, AND her children. Are we still playing that game God? (I know my opinion is worthless here God, but i think Holly's character was just great without this kind of action)I know Job ended up with MORE than he ever had in the first place- but did he really care about that? (Oh, i don't mind losing all my children. I just got more!)

Again. I am tired. And grieved. And hope that by crying out on behalf of my friend i haven't now turned the wrath of God against me.