now

THE DISCIPLINE OF SPIRITUAL TENACITY

"Be still. and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).

Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered. The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for -love and justice and forgiveness and kindness among men - will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted.
If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou has kept the word of my patience."
Remain spiritually tenacious.

-Oswald Chambers (and thanks to mark for this too)

The thing is, i have certainly failed at all this. And am so grieved at not only bringing sorrow to my God, but also for being a tool of his adversary. I have inadvertently spread unbelief with my choices and actions, have hurt his bride (which i always have truly loved) and have discredited the gospel, to which i owe my life.
Everything is still rather fuzzy, but is becoming clearer with each passing day. And you know, it is all so very REAL. And big. And pretty damn scary at times. It's so hard, you know? When you just wish everyone could see what you see. But you can't make them. But you really really want to.
So here's the thing friends. I decided to give God one last go of it this past month, and boy did he come through for me. BUT it was not until i humbled myself, and prayed, and seeked(i know, not a word) his face and turned... you know the drill. And i had such an amazing experience with fasting that it should probably be a post all its own. I cannot believe we go without doing it on a regular basis. God desires SO MUCH MORE for us than we can usually see, i believe. But our dumb stubborn wills (most likely coupled with quite an assault from our adversary) will not allow him to come. And be Lord. And save us from ourselves. (for the love)
Anyway, i am thankful. And grateful, And learning. And learning. And learning. And God IS faithful. I do know AT LEAST that. More to come...

Faith Hope and Love upon you.