i ABHOR easter grass

And while i am SO DONE with this over the top ridiculous weather- it helps a little to know that san diego right now is only 13 degrees warmer.

(ps i think i may have lost a few toes to frost bite last night and i know i know my fault for wearing open toed shoes WHILE it is snowing but it is almost APRIL and how often do my toes look so cute and sometimes you just have to sacrifice and this time that meant toe mobility for life and i did look good so there you go)

(yes, still reading Faulkner)

Crowder and me

Lord i'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord i'm so alone
I know the dark is creeping in
Is creeping up to swallow me
I think i'll stay and rest awile

This is all that i can say right now
This is all that i can give

Did you see me crying?
Did you hear me call your name?
Wasn't it you i gave my heart to?
I wish you'd remember where you set it down.

This is all that i can say right now.
This is all that i can give

Didn't notice you standing here
I didn't know that that was you holding me
I didn't notice you were crying too
I didn't know that that was you washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
This is all that i can give...


And that's my everything

ella blue

now

THE DISCIPLINE OF SPIRITUAL TENACITY

"Be still. and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).

Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered. The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for -love and justice and forgiveness and kindness among men - will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted.
If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou has kept the word of my patience."
Remain spiritually tenacious.

-Oswald Chambers (and thanks to mark for this too)

The thing is, i have certainly failed at all this. And am so grieved at not only bringing sorrow to my God, but also for being a tool of his adversary. I have inadvertently spread unbelief with my choices and actions, have hurt his bride (which i always have truly loved) and have discredited the gospel, to which i owe my life.
Everything is still rather fuzzy, but is becoming clearer with each passing day. And you know, it is all so very REAL. And big. And pretty damn scary at times. It's so hard, you know? When you just wish everyone could see what you see. But you can't make them. But you really really want to.
So here's the thing friends. I decided to give God one last go of it this past month, and boy did he come through for me. BUT it was not until i humbled myself, and prayed, and seeked(i know, not a word) his face and turned... you know the drill. And i had such an amazing experience with fasting that it should probably be a post all its own. I cannot believe we go without doing it on a regular basis. God desires SO MUCH MORE for us than we can usually see, i believe. But our dumb stubborn wills (most likely coupled with quite an assault from our adversary) will not allow him to come. And be Lord. And save us from ourselves. (for the love)
Anyway, i am thankful. And grateful, And learning. And learning. And learning. And God IS faithful. I do know AT LEAST that. More to come...

Faith Hope and Love upon you.