a psalm

The beauty of your workmanship tends to my tired spirit.
I am refreshed in the shadow of your creation.
I need to find you now, O God,
For i have not amongst the noise and chaos of life.

And if i can not find you in the majesty of the mountains,
The vastness of the waters, the blueness of the sky,
Then where are you to be found?
Where are you to be found?

I did not hear you in the violent thunder,
Nor the shaking of earth's foundations.
Come now in the gentle whisper of the wind.
Let me breathe in your strength and life.

If you are to be found,
Then open my deaf ears.
I want to listen.
Help me to hear.

Be Still

"The most powerful and genuine Christians are those who accept the challenge of their humanity while opening up their hearts to people they encounter wherever they find themselves."

I came across this today while browsing the Burnside Writers Collective and i thought it was insightful.
It's hard to come face to face with your humanity, not to mention most of the free world coming along with you, and not become cynical or jaded. I often don't really know what to do with myself and it's hard when so many others have strong opinions on the topic. I just think it will be hard to be someone who genuinely is willing to open my heart to others. It hasn't necessarily turned out so well.
But what other choice do i have? To live the rest of my days closed and guarded, lonely and miserable, yet safe? I want to live a life that matters, and i know that is not possible if my main objective is to just make it through without being hurt. Again.
On the other hand i'm told that the heart is "the wellspring of life" and we are to guard it ferociously. We are constantly warned in Proverbs of the dangers of leaving it unprotected. So...?
Most days now i wish i didn't even have one. The reality of the heart is that it is silly, stubborn and proud at the core, and does not listen to reason or logic, for its plumb line is itself. And the wounds of friends, loved ones, etc.. would be so much easier to take if there was no where for the poison to embed itself. And fester. And grow.
Life would be so much easier to live (at least for the moment) if i could dissassociate myself from the ache which is my constant traveling companion. If i could easily logically see that peoples's comments,actions, and judgements are really less about me then they are being fueled by their own wounds and insecurities. Disillusionment is a hard pill to swallow.
But the blasted heart really is there, against my wishes, and therefore my arguments and reason only accomplish so much.
Still, amongst the pain, i can usually function, despite it's ailing imperfect state.
But i would like to someday escape the mediocrity to become powerful and genuine. I think...
I'm just not sure of the path to get there.

I don't know quite what to say

Too many sisters?

Ella's Twoapalooza

So I wanted to use the picture's that i took on my jeff and mesina's kick-ass camera but they rudely went on vacation for like the 37th time without giving me a cd. Anyway, here are a few to hold you over.








This is Ella and her Aunt Rebe. Their b-days are 14years and a few days apart. And they share a love for doggas so the cake worked out well. Anyway, ella's "smile" cracks me up so i had to include it. She really is insane.

11 years

I had a very nice anniversary this weekend. Please refer to justin's blog for more info (it seems he beat me to it...at least i think. I can't get it to pull up)

Question

Does anyone have an idea how to teach a newly two-year-old the difference between sand and cat litter? I have come to an impasse.

And in Conclusion (part 4)

So anyway...the rest of the day was surprisingly uneventful in comparison to how the day began. ( aka- all of the children will live to see tomorrow).
My poor dear friend ended up spending the remainder of the day in a hospital ER waiting room and ended up with five stitches (i guess there would've been more but they needed space for the oozing infectious puss to escape!) and a tetanus booster. Fun times. I thought you'd all appreciate it more with a visual so here you go and you are welcome.



Tomorrow has got to be better, right?

blah blah blah...part 3

So the swimming also turned out to be a disaster. We pulled in the find not a spare parking space. And then i was not at all surprised to pull over to let an ambulance pass by. Also not surprised to find that the ambulance was indeed for my friend who i was meeting at the pool, who fell through a pool drain and sliced up her leg pretty good. Anyway, ella was sleeping and the kids were whining and crying as we turned around and headed home before another more horrible misfortune befall us... (to be continued)

You know it's gonna be a good day... part 2

11am- Blythe and Ella disappear out of the side gate. They are found a few frantic minutes later on a bike ride in front of A building.

(i also neglected to mention that prior to the mouse incident ella got flattened by our swing on the back patio and has a lovely little road rash on her nose...and as i'm writing this she just face planted in the hall after running from sierra and tripping on blythe's abandoned shoes. Someone is not going to make it through the day. Ironically i do not think it will be the kids. I have to say that i'm a little concerned about the swimming that is next on the agenda.)

You know it's gonna be a good day...

... when it starts by your two year old bringing you a dead mouse in her chubby, grimey little hand.
And it's only nine-thirty. The rest of the day should be a treat.

Wecome to the Terrible Two's!!!

Happy Birthday Ella BLue!
We wouldn't have nothin' if we didn't have you
Except peace and quiet and a lot less poo
And maybe i could always find my shoes.

(please feel free to add a refrain as you are led)

Does heaven decide how we are placed
Where we must suffer this life?
And how does a Father Almighty above
Send his child to a place where he'll die?

Why does one live in beauty and pleasure
And vain luxury to end out his days?
While his brother barely endures each moment
Struggling, broken, disillusioned, and dazed?

How can they watch without intervening
When a boy of just barely ten
Has had more than a life's share of heartache and pain
That leads him to call it the end?

So is it that He has just turned away
Bored with this poor world of His?
Or perhaps it's one last feeble attempt
to turn people He loves back to Him.

the next post is a paid advertisement

So Cade says to us in the car yesterday...

"You guys should get that bed where when you only sleep five hours it feels like eight, and when you get up, it doesn't wake up your partner."

Apparantly i need to limit tv usage.

a good read

So I just reread Redeeming Love over the weekend. It's a really powerful book. I think at least. I was trying to be open to anything God might have to say to me through it, but i'm not sure if that happened or not. I don't know if the lack of hearing from Him is because he's not talking, or i'm still being disciplened, or if i just can't hear. I think i'm trying to listen. At least i'm trying to try to listen. And i'm also not really sure what message to listen to. I want to listen to the message of this book about his incredible unwavering love for us. And his unmeasurable unearnable grace. And to the story of the prodigal son, and David, and Abraham, and Peter, etc.. But then i read about his judgement in Romans from Paul and God's wrath that waits for us who know the truth and yet go on to choose our own way, and it's just so hard to reconcile the two (Paul's never really been my favorite anyway).
And then to not hear his voice, not feel his help and guidance, well it's just hard to beleive that forgiveness is there. And especially when i so need his help and strength today more than ever.

Ashby gave me a few more books to start on last night. I think i might start with Wuthering Heights first. I'm also still reading through the psalms, though pretty slowly. The new testament is still pretty hard to read right now.
Brad said something last night that i've been thinking about since. He said God is saying to us, "trust me".
I'm wondering if it can really be that simple.